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Mike Schulz talks with Dave Levora and Darren Pitra about The Last Voyage of the Demeter, director André Øvredal’s adaptation of the “Captain’s Log” chapter from Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula — ever heard of it? Schulz assures us that “the only thing wrong” with The Last Voyage is that “it’s not scary and it’s repetitive” — usually the sign of death for a movie critic, but for Schulz, ‘tis but a flesh wound, as it’s “surprisingly easy to sit through and it looks great.” He also praises the cast for providing characters in whom one can invest one’s feelings, so when one of the less savory characters gets, y’know, disemboweled, you feel somewhat terrible about it. Since practically everyone aboard the Demeter is a doomed slice of humanity, the film is infused with a sense of tragedy about it from the start because, y’know, Dracula’s gonna do what Dracula’s gonna do. It also helps that the film goes light on the CGI, and uses an actual human, Spanish actor Javier Botet, to portray Dracula. (Botet has Marfan’s syndrome, which has given him extremely long fingers, and makes him a natural fit for playing monsters.) As mentioned before, the only thing wrong with The Last Voyage of the Demeter is that it’s not scary. That sounds a bit like a doctor informing the patient’s family that their dear parental figure has survived in every sense except physically. But Schulz said he’d see it again, presumably to appreciate the artistry of the enterprise more fully. Then there’s Jules, directed by Marc Turtletaub and starring Ben Kingsley, Jane Curtin, Harriet Sansom Harris, Zoë Winters, and Jade Quon. It was everything our intrepid trio thought it would be from last week’s preview: ET meets Cocoon, with the heavies being government agents looking to capture and study the alien harbored by Milton (Kingsley) and his friends. They just want to study it, y’see; maybe cut its head off if that’s what the science recommends. . . basically, every evil-fed cliché we’ve been spoon-fed since Reagan took the oath of office. Levora sounded surprised to hear that the film was still hanging around, with one daily screening at 10AM. Schulz believes the actors themselves are reason enough to catch it, particularly Jane Curtin, who’s been killing it in every film in which she’s appeared this past decade and change. Among the previews Schulz has been tasked with catching is the new DC Universe film Blue Beetle, directed by Ángel Manuel Soto and starring Xolo Maridueña as the titular hero. Levora thought it looked pretty good, but then, the previews for The Flash left him with the same feeling. According to the press release, Maridueña portrays Jaime Reyes, a college grad who becomes the symbiotic host of The Scarab, who’s only too happy to grant the young go-getter with a super-powered exoskeleton with which he can — what? Fight crime? Push balls of dung along a path for one’s dinner? A scarab does what a scarab does, so either sounds plausible, particularly if you think fighting crime is a lot like pushing balls of crap around: There will never be any shortage of either against which one must push. Schulz thinks it sounds “like Shazam all over again,” so his antennae is already up. Our three stop to riff on how so many scenes from too many latter-day super-hero films feature variations on scenes from the classic TV show The Greatest American Hero. Those who remember that Eighties-era show recall how Ralph Hinkley, a remedial-ed teacher played by William Katt, was gifted by aliens with a special suit and cape. As Hinkley lost the instruction book during the pilot episode, he never got a handle on how to use its powers. The show lasted three seasons, and Hinkley was crashing into stuff right up to the final minutes. (“Robert Culp’s exasperation on that show spoke for all of us!” says Levora.) Another forthcoming film is Strays, directed by Josh Greenbaum, written by Dan Perrault, and cast with pet animals who are voiced by an array of stars (Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Will Forte, Isla Fisher, Randall Park, Harvey Guillén, Rob Riggle, Brett Gelman, Jamie Demetriou, and Sofía Vergara). The premise sounds rather horrific: Border Terrier Reggie/Ferrell is abandoned by Hateful Human Owner/Forte, and teams up with a bunch of other former pets to exact revenge on him. One could see an effective horror film emerging from such a premise. Since Greenbaum and Perrault are hellbent on playing the material for laughs, whatever violence we see on-screen will be inadvertent and/or hilarious, and we’ll get that quaint little disclaimer at the end of it assuring us that absolutely no animals were hurt during the course of filming this lump of dung. There’s also Back on the Strip, directed and co-written by Chris Spencer (his directorial début), which Schulz, unfortunately, won’t be able to see, but sounds. . . interesting, as it concerns Merlin (Spence Moore II), who wants to be a Vegas stage magician, but, through a sequence of events that might be deemed magically comedic, becomes a Vegas stripper with The Chocolate Chips. “It has Kevin Hart and Wesley Snipes,” says Schulz, “and that’s why I was surprised it was playing so infrequently.” Schulz will likewise miss the assuredly-hilarious Please Don’t Destroy: The Treasure of Foggy Mountain (“but I don’t hate that title”). It’s opening wide, “but not wide enough for us” (Schulz). It’s left unclear whether Schulz will likewise miss Haunting of the Queen Mary, “another horror film set in olden times on a boat” (Levora). Sounds. . . familiar. . . But when Levora reads off the premise, Schulz confesses that “I don’t understand what those words mean in that context.” Schulz confirms he will see Gran Turismo, Neill Blomkamp’s biographical sports-drama about Jann Mardenborough, a teenage Gran Turismo player who was able to become a professional race-car driver — and WOW! The film has its product-placement all baked into the title and the premise! Neat hat-trick there! If we go by Levora’s impression, however, if we see the trailer, we’ve seen the film — good luck with that, Schulz. Naturally, none of these films can compete with what’s shaping up to be the Feel-Good-about-How-Bad-It’s-Gonna-Be film of the year: Retribution, directed by Nimród Antal and starring Liam Neeson. Neeson plays a bank executive who’s driving his kids to school when he receives a call telling him his vehicle has a bomb aboard it that will blow if he stops and they get out, because why the hell not? Levora wonders if Neeson just signs contracts, and the filmmakers are then tasked with coming up with a film to fit around him; and this time around, they’ve fitted him for a Speed retread (or The SUV That Could Not Slow Down). A few more years of this for Neeson and he will effectively have acquired the mantle of Nicolas Cage, whose œuvre was summed up majestically by Yvette Nicole Brown in a 2014 fifth-season episode of Community: “If I was in seventy films over thirty years and I spent each one talking at random volumes, I might accidentally win an Oscar.” Only seven more days until this happens, folks! Limited viewings! Don’t blow it!